The Apology Letter

An Ogilvy colleague passed this gem along to me. The back story: A creative friend of his was fired from a Bangkok agency for calling a client a prick, and wrote this for a poetry reading afterward. A year later, the same agency re-hired him. Presumably, the prick was no longer a client.

The Apology Letter

Dear consumers:
I apologize for dividing you to conquer by age, habit and class
I apologize for making self-esteem inversely proportional to the size of your ass
I apologize for bad grammar, bad taste, bad judgement, bad ideas—just to get paid
I apologize for telling you dandruff free hair gets you laid

I apologize for saying fun depends on what booze you drink
I apologize for making you self-conscious that your pussy stinks
I apologize for green tea extracts, VITA-ACE, and other chemical lies
I apologize for animating propaganda through the magic of CGI

I apologize for Powerpoint presentations on your insecurity
I apologize for hiding the fact that Fanta was invented in Nazi Germany
I apologize for Christmas cards devoid of god
I apologize for justifying the ridiculous price of an Ipod

I apologize for hypnotizing you with airbrushed skin, six-pack abs, bra-bursting megatits
I apologize for suggesting carbonated soft drinks have end benefits
I apologize for impossible dress codes like "sexy white" "devilish red" or "glittering gold"
I apologize for patronizing the young, hegemonizing the middle, and demonizing the old

I apologize for processed snack foods that have no nutrition
I apologize for free software that charges for the professional edition
I apologize for the myth of German engineering and Japanese quality
I apologize for branding corporate logos on the rawhide of charity

I apologize for surgically removing holidays from history
I apologize for pimping ideas and prostituting mystery
I apologize for shortening attention spans and erasing memory
I apologize for adding the words retro and megapixel to your vocabulary

I apologize for pretending that owning more crap makes life more efficient
I apologize for saying that every product is new and different, when it it isn't
I apologize for portraying 22 yr old women as mothers of three, and laundry as a sacred duty
I apologize for casting light-skinned French-Brazilian models to represent pan-Asian beauty

I apologize to the average, the dark skinned Thais who look like Thais
I apologize for poisoning your mirror and coloring your eyes
I apologize for problem solution, crisis resolution, black and white, product wrong product right, call to action, certified satisfaction, fuzzy logic Clear Your Mind, ten-baht salvation from the daily grind, instant gratification if you don't think twice, abstract freedoms with a concrete price, branded color cues instead of shades of gray, something to sell but nothing to say

I apologize for holding my tongue, holding my breath, holding my peace while denying the war
I apologize for forgetting what language is for
I apologize for agreeing with people who make me sick
I apologize for apologizing for calling that prick a prick

I apologize for three years, a million words and a not a truth to show
I apologize for not getting fired years ago

Sincerely,
Wes

PS: I'm available for freelance work. Thank you.

Comments

[China Law Blog]

Never even knew that about dandruff free hair.

[Meursault]

Can you ask him to apologise for every shampoo and facecream advert being EXACTLY THE SAME. How many times do we have to see arrows flying out of women's hair, and a picture of the "nutrients" being absorbed into her skin? I would love to see an original and cheeky slogan, something like: "Using Jinlong face whitener stops Third World debt, or your money back."

[boyce]

I didn't know about the Nazi-Fanta connection... what secrets is Doktor Pepper hiding?

[Kaiser Kuo]

@Dan: You don't know how many times it's worked for me. I shake out my silky locks over a dark tablecloth, and when no disgusting flakes of scalp tissue appear, blammo! Their ankles are parked behind their ears. Try it!

@Meursault: Do you want a job as a copywriter at Ogilvy?

@Boyce: Doktor Pepper was originally marketed as Doktor Mengele, but it tested poorly in the Shaker Heights neighborhood of Cleveland.

[WH]

Re: Fanta

It was actually developed by the German division of Coca-Cola. Because of the war, they had no access to syrup to produce Coke. To stay in business, the head of the company resorted to using whatever he could find -- and with wartime rationing, that meant mostly old scraps of fruit. The result was a fruity soda he called "Fantastiche" (might be misspelled) and it was apparently a hit, not that the Germans had a lot of choices then. After the war, Coca-Cola reunited with its German unit and decided to develop their creation into Fanta. Notably, they also decided to REMOVE ALL TRACES OF ACTUAL FRUIT (just look at the ingredient list). So technically Fanta was invented in Nazi Germany, but it wasn't created by actual Nazis, as far as I know. But you don't see this story in corporate literature, for obvious reasons.

[Kaiser Kuo]

@WH, you got any more goodies like the Apology Letter? Do you keep a blog yourself? Would love to read more of you.

[jeffrey frimpong]

dear madam i apo logize for playing game in class while studies was goig on . i prmise i will never do it again jeffrey frimpong student in 2a

[viagra online]

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[Generic VIagra]

Well I guess that he try to apologize for trying to get in a group or maybe he apologize to be alienated to a society, every body have to say lies, to pretend that we are part of something...just to survive