Provincial Poetry

I know, it's been ages since I've posted. Here's the most recent column from that's Beijing. And good news: The good folks at that magazine have decided to publish a book of my collected columns over the last six-plus years. Should be out early next year!

My Chinese friends never seem to tire of talking about regional stereotypes. That this subject should continue to amuse surprises me still—first of all because the caricatures haven’t really changed in the many years I’ve lived here, and second, because there’s simply so little disagreement about the stock stereotypes. Strangely enough, you’ll hear very little grumbling—indeed, you’ll frequently see nods of agreement—even from those people who are the object of these often unflattering generalizations. A notable exception is the Henanese, who in recent years have come in for particularly bad treatment, and have protested with appropriate indignation. It’s in the spirit of humor that I offer the lines of doggerel below. I intend no insult to anyone (except maybe the Shanghainese).

In Dongbei, whence the Manchus came, the men do like their liquor.
While effusive with their friendship, with their enmity they’re quicker
Though they’re honest and straightforward, at the slightest provocation
They’ll show why they’ve been slandered as the Klingons of this nation.

The leggy Dongbei ladies for their beauty are renowned,
(I attest that in my travels, few more fetching have I found.)
But they suffer from one drawback, and it’s very sad to tell—
When they open up their mouths to speak, they break that magic spell.

The stalwart Shandong people grow as hearty as their scallions
On their noodle-heavy diet they’ve been bred as strong as stallions.
They’re known for dogged loyalty; they’re known as trusty folks,
But a bit slow on the uptake—thus, the butt of many jokes.

In Hunan and in Hubei in the country’s center-south
They say the people there can really run it at the mouth
In Hubei in particular, the saying is often heard
That a single Hubei codger can drown out a nine-head bird.

The Hunanese, in temperament, are piquant as their dishes,
Like duo jiao yu tou—capsicum with slow-braised heads of fishes.
Add to this mix the province’s infernal summer heat,
And you see why Hunan’s Xiang Jun had the Taiping rebels beat.

The teahouses of Chengdu represent the Sichuan Way:
The women toil in earnest while the men drink tea and play.
The Chuan hou plays at mahjong as the Chuan mei cleans and mends,
And like the Sichuan peppers do, she burns it at both ends.

The Pearl River Delta in the southlands of Guangzhou
Is home to China’s most industrious people, as you know:
They’re scrappy and they’re gritty and they’re free of all pretension,
And they’ll make a meal of any living beast you’d care to mention.

They say that Henan people are a sly and cunning lot.
But my ancestors are from there—proving some, at least, are not.
My co-provincials countrywide are blamed for every ill,
While provinces that suck as bad get let off easy still.

The Shanghainese are philistines, and this they’ll gladly own:
Commercial instincts permeate them to the very bone.
Their pride in Shanghai’s petit bourgeois ethos is immense
But what they lack in culture, they make up in common sense.

As you might well have expected, I have saved the best for last,
For my love for Beijing’s people is immovably steadfast.
From their gargling r-drenched accent to their dry sardonic wit,
The denizens of Jing Town are the dope, the bomb, the shit.

Beiingers love to gab, and though they’re lazy and they’re slow,
There’s nothing about politics that they aren’t apt to know.
They may complain a lot about the traffic and the air
But scratch beneath the cynicism and you’ll find they care.

So be grateful that you live here, and be clear on what it means.
Be grateful you don’t live among Klingons, or philistines.
Be grateful for the legacy of Yuan and Ming and Qing—
And most of all be grateful for the people of Beijing.

Comments

[Mark Forman]

Kaiser is this your doing? Very funny. I can relate to several of these.

[Kaiser Kuo]

Yeah Mark, of course it's my doing. Wrote this in a little cafe in Lijiang one afternoon during the October holiday as my deadline closed in. Same feeling I'm undergoing now as yet another column comes due...

[wang]

Chinese people create a lot many different culture and custom, different diet,differrent dialect,different dressing,different body shape ,there are too many difference ,enen if you go to find it.
I am interested in Chinese dialect,you know ,people live not far away may have different dialects .I like to tell people's hometown though their dialect enen they speak mandarin.

[rynsa]

Mr. Kuo,

Your characterization of the Shanghainese as a bunch of hubristic, bourgeois philistines is, I must admit, entirely accurate. I don't know so much about the "common sense" part, though. It seems to me that anyone who is willing to sacrifice his or her culture to inflate the bottom line is far from prudent, and certainly they cannot be mistaken as wise.

Question: Why no mention of Xinjiang, Qinghai, or anywhere out west? As a fellow Tucsonan, I'm sure you can appreciate my longing for a clear desert sky... and a conversation that doesn't involve stock quotes and market projections.

Great blog. I'm looking forward to the next post.

rynsa

[The Humanaught]

That was fantastic. Truly.

[Bill]

Really enjoyable, very creative.

Still, though, I would prefer to do business with Shanghai people over Beijing people. My experience with Beijing people is - as the guitarist George Benson sang in his song, "Masquerade" - "We tried to talk it over but the words got in the way."

Still, I do miss the jiaozi, xi er bing, and Beijing Duck down here in Suzhou.

Cheers!

[2baboons]

What a bunch of nonsense

The blogger proves to me once again that there is nothing worse than a Chinese who tries to project himself as an American and end up being neither.

Sha B

[Kaiser Kuo]

@2baboons - I'm actually an American-born Chinese. I'm not trying to project myself as an American. What exactly is your objection to what I wrote?

[Edna]

As an ABC myself I've only been to Shanghai to visit family every other year or so, but this seems pretty accurate. Even with the few short trips I've made (I'm only 18) I still come back to the states and brag about how wonderful Shanghai is and how much better it is haha

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[Nice Poem]

Hey, just passing by, I looked up the name Cooper-Ramos and found your wonderful blog. Your poems have about the same level of writing as my amateur poems: great story, clear and on point, with a little end rhyme.

Who could write any better without being a professional? Meter and rhyme takes time.

Anyway, I looked up every province you in the poem in wikipedia and I am only surprised you did not mention the Uighur in the west. Seems like the reputation that Chinese are biased toward Muslims gets a boost to roost.

[超声波清洗]

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[renHK]

Hey Kaiser, your poetry is not great, but you're observations are very funny.

Many years ago, I taught English in Beijing, and one of the funniest (at least to me) classes I had was one where I passed out a list of "Positive and Negative" Chinese regional stereotypes I'd found somewhere. I was hoping to inspire some discussion about "stereotypes", but things didn't go according to my plans. The response to the list was, without a single exception in a class of otherwise exceptional people: agreement with all the stereotypes of everyone else, agreement with all the positive characteristics of one's own province, but disagreement with all the negative characteristics of one's own province.

Needless to say, none of these Chinese students were interested in what I had to say about stereotypes because they were too busy defending their own provinces and berating the others. I, however, had a great time watching them, and learned a lot.

[ztseals]

very good.

[Ryan Falch]

Although I am late to the party, this was my afternoon's lesson on the great people of China. And it makes me grateful to be in Beijing and among its people and their "man man lai" attitude.

[Terence Lau]

HI Mr. Kuo,

I am a university student who is currently studying in McMaster University, Hamilton, Canada. Having watched the documentary called Global Metal, I am deeply fascinated by the speeches that you and the other 前輩 have made about the music. I am also a metal music fan since middle school. Recently, I have done some research for metal music and how it affects the society. Surprisingly, during the research I have found your blog! Since I have done a research of "How global metal music affects individuals in the society", I really hope that you can invest a couple of minutes to give some advice to my essay. Although, its already due and no extra mark would be granted anyways, I really hope that this essay can benefit some of the headbangers/ teenagers.

Your kind reply would be very much appreciated.

Sincerely,
Terence Lau

[Yang]

难道你就没有中文名字？ Was für eine Aschloch..

[Runerich]

I am glad to talk with you and you give me great help! Thanks for that,I am wonderring if I can contact you via email when I meet problems.

[Gold IRA]

Coooool really good one.

[Italian Guy]

Great read, that must have taken some thought to compose.

[Nexpider]

I appreciate it very much, at least I know from it someone is reading the contents I have here.

[Best Travel Resorts]

Who went to Midi in ZhengJiang this year. I have checked the news on line, seems it was great!!Hopefully, it will come back to Beijing next year!

[adventure travel guide]

Awesome article! I have gradually become fan of your article and would like to suggest putting some new updates to make it more effective.

[Thomas Tu aka Team Shang Haiiiii]

It’s in the spirit of humor that I offer the lines of doggerel below. I intend no insult to anyone (except maybe the Shanghainese).

----

Lol. Another typical bitter Chinese.

We have better food, mass transit, architecture, and women. So I guess you do have a right to be jealous, bitter, envious etc.

If it weren't for us, China would just be the big piece of garbage "Red" land on the way to Hong Kong.